The People-Pleaser's Guide to Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries doesn't make you difficult. It doesn't make you selfish. It makes you honest.

But if you're someone who's spent your life being accommodating, helpful, and "easy-going," the very thought of setting a boundary might make your stomach churn. I get it. I've been there too.

Why Is Setting Boundaries So Hard?

If you struggle with boundary-setting, you might have grown up hearing messages like:

• "Don't be difficult"

• "Think of others before yourself"

• "Don't make a fuss"

• "Be grateful for what you have"

These messages teach us that our needs are less important than keeping others happy. Over time, we internalise this belief until saying "no" feels physically uncomfortable, like we're doing something wrong.

Add in being raised as a woman in the North, where we're often taught to be strong, practical, and not "make a scene," and it's no wonder boundaries feel impossible.

The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing

Let's be honest about what people-pleasing actually costs you:

• Your time and energy: How many hours have you spent doing things you didn't want to do, just to keep someone else happy?

• Your authenticity: How often do you hide your true opinions or feelings to avoid rocking the boat?

• Your self-worth: When you constantly prioritise others' needs over your own, you reinforce the belief that their needs matter more than yours.

• Your relationships: Ironically, people-pleasing doesn't create better relationships. It creates resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection.

One client told me:

"I realised I was angry all the time, but I never showed it. I'd say yes to everything, then go home and seethe about it. I was nice to everyone's face but bitching and complaining about them behind their back. That's when I knew something had to change."

Sound familiar?

Boundaries Aren't Walls—They're Bridges

Here's what boundaries are NOT:

• Being mean or selfish

• Cutting people off

  
  

• Controlling others

• Always saying no

Instead, boundaries are honest communication about what works for you.

They're the bridge between being authentic and being in relationship with others.

When you set boundaries, you're actually creating the conditions for more genuine connections, because you're showing up as your real self, not a watered-down, people-pleasing version.

Breaking the Good Girl Rules

If you've spent years, maybe decades, playing by the "good girl" rules, breaking them can feel terrifying. Your brain might tell you:

• "They'll think I'm selfish"

• "I'll hurt their feelings"

• "They won't like me anymore"

  
  

• "I should be able to handle this"

Remember: these thoughts aren't facts. They're the voice of your conditioning, all those messages you've internalised about how women "should" behave.

I like to think of it this way: when you first start setting boundaries, it's like speaking a new language. You'll feel awkward. You'll make mistakes. You might even slip back into people-pleasing. That's okay, you're learning.

Practical Steps for Setting Boundaries (Without the Guilt)

1. Start with your values

Ask yourself: what matters most to me? Time with family? Creative hobbies? Rest? When you're clear on your values, it's easier to set boundaries that protect them.

Try this: Write down your top 3 values and how boundary-setting helps protect them.

2. Use simple, direct language

You don't need to over-explain or justify your boundaries. Simple statements work best:

• "I can't take that on right now."

• "I'm not available then."

• "That doesn't work for me."

• "I need some time to think about it."

Instead of: "I'm so sorry, but I'm just absolutely swamped this week with so many things going on, and I feel terrible about it, but I don't think I can help with that project, unless you really need me to, in which case maybe I could try to squeeze it in..."

Try: "I can't take on that project right now, but thanks for thinking of me."

3. Start small

Don't begin with your most difficult relationship or biggest boundary. Practice with smaller boundaries first:

• Telling a friend you need to leave dinner by 9pm

• Not answering work emails after hours

• Taking 30 minutes for yourself each day

Try this: Set one small boundary this week. Notice how it feels—physically and emotionally.

4. Prepare for pushback

When you change how you behave, people notice. Some might not like it, especially if they've benefited from your people-pleasing. That's okay, it's part of the process.

Remember: someone's reaction to your boundary is about them, not you.

Try this: Role-play difficult conversations with a friend or therapist. Practice holding your boundary when someone pushes back.

5. Build your support system

Changing long-standing patterns is hard work. You'll need support from people who understand what you're doing and why it matters.

Try this: Identify 2 or 3 people who can support your boundary-setting. Share your goals with them and ask for their encouragement.

A Northern Take on Boundaries

Being a northerner myself, I know we value directness and plain speaking. We don't sugarcoat things, and we appreciate people who "tell it like it is."

The irony? Many of us struggle to apply that directness to our own needs. We can be straight-talking about everything except what we actually want and need.

What if we could channel that northern directness into honest communication about our boundaries? What if, instead of seeing boundary-setting as "soft" or "selfish," we saw it as being straightforward about what works for us?

Real Stories of Boundary Transformation

Client, 36: "I used to answer every text immediately, even if I was in the middle of something important. Setting a boundary around my phone time was terrifying at first. I was sure everyone would think I was ignoring them. But now I have set times when I check messages, and honestly, no one's even noticed the difference except me. I feel so much more present in my life."

Client, 29: "Family gatherings were always so stressful because I'd end up in the kitchen doing all the cooking and washing up while everyone else relaxed. I finally started asking for help specifically: 'Dad, can you set the table?' 'Sarah, can you bring pudding?' It felt awkward at first, but now it's just how we do things. I actually enjoy family time now."

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

If this all sounds good in theory but feels impossible in practice, that's where therapy with me comes in.

Together, we can:

• Explore where your people-pleasing patterns come from

• Identify your specific boundary challenges

• Practice boundary-setting in a safe environment

• Develop strategies for managing guilt and anxiety

• Celebrate your boundary wins, no matter how small

Setting boundaries isn't selfish, it's self-respect. And you deserve that.

Ready to Start Boundary-Setting?

If you're tired of saying "yes" when you want to say "no," I'm here to help. Book a free 15-minute consultation call, and let's talk about how therapy can support you in setting boundaries and reclaiming your time, energy, and self-worth.

Hannah Mclachlan is a pluralistic therapist based in Blackpool, Lancashire, specialising in helping millennial women break free from people-pleasing, perfectionism, and carrying burdens that were never theirs. She offers both in-person and online therapy for women throughout the UK.

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